literally LOCKED IN

Feeling Lonely and desperate – Literally locked in!

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I have always tried to stay positive, but some things just get the better on me and I fail… I am a mere human after all!

 Literally LOCKED IN.Negative feelings are a bit like weeds in a garden bed, they have a sneaky way of taking root, and before you know it your mood has changed and those feelings of loneliness and desperation have taken over your positivity. I am sure everyone has good and bad days but our individual ability to cope and get through the negative time, has a lot to do with our own personal support network. Having the mental strength to sustain a positive attitude is hard sometimes…

I am definitely not a psychologist but I have read many articles about staying positive and they all point in the same direction: Self talk and trying to fill your head with good thoughts, helps to keep the negative stuff at bay. It’s a little like regularly pulling out those intruding thoughts, in an effort to maintaining a weed free head…

Didn’t someone say “loneliness is the saddest word”, well it is! I miss not having someone special to speak too. I love my husband and when we first met we talked about anything and everything, but now we don’t talk about much at all. After 25 years of marriage I think we have both forgotten what drew us together in the beginning. Many people just go through life day-to-day but forget to take care of the important things that make us all happy… we are sometimes so wrapped up with the daily routine that we forget to nurture our relationships and before we know it the kids have grown up and moved out and there we are staring at our partner trying to find our way back to the love affair that started the whole thing off. You only have to look at couples eating out together in silence, I wonder how long they have been together, others in a new relationship don’t stop talking.

I know that sounds strange and I’m sure a lot of married people say that life seems to go from one thing to another children, work and family etc but when those things have either finished or children that have left home to start their own lives there’s an emptiness that is so hard to fill.

Unfortunately as far as friends are concerned I don’t have any!              I know that might sound strange to those of you that have many, but most of this is my own fault… Fifteen odd years ago I had a close group of three girlfriends, our husbands and kids all got on well and we shared some great times together… but something changed and without going into details I had a falling out, “big time” with one of the three girls. It became so bad that if my family or I were invited to an occasion, the lost friend would not go! so to stop the others feeling uncomfortable I decided to drop out to make things easier for her, sadly the other friends just carried on as if I no longer existed, and my group of special girlfriends simply vanished.

I did have another good friend and we shared lots of great times together. Our husbands got on well and we would go away in our caravans and went abroad on holidays together. Unfortunately  she died of cancer four years ago, bless her. (Can’t believe it’s that long ago). Anyway, her husband remarried and moved away so that was the end of another very special friendship.

I did have other people from work but I wouldn’t call them friends, more work colleagues, but I lost contact with them when I “Retired due to ill-health”. So there you have it in a nutshell I don’t speak to anyone from one month the next …apart from speaking on the phone to my mum once or twice a month, I do speak to my sister ever so often, but we are emailing each other more often since Dad passed away. He would have been so happy to know that we have managed somehow to settle our differences.  My sister and I fell out some years ago, over something really silly and we didn’t talk to each other for several years. I know I just sound sorry for myself but I do miss my husband, especially now as I’m stuck down stairs in the cold conservatory in a hospital bed.  When he helps me to bed at night that’s it…there I am alone with no body to hold me or cuddle up to at night, I feel so sad and alone some nights.

That brings me to the part where I need to talk about my husband… I know that MS does not just affect the sufferer; it actually affects the whole family. I had been running the house before my M.S. was diagnosed, I had a full-time job and did the cleaning, washing cooking and shopping when I got home at night or at the weekends (general everyday stuff that all of us do on a daily basis). I can’t do allot… and now that I have added to the MS symptoms with my broken leg and shattered ankle I’m a bit useless! So my husband has had to take on everything from cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping and also waiting on me hand and foot, washing me dressing me transporting me to doctors, hospital and Physio appointments, He is basically my full-time carer and as you can imagine he is pretty exhausted.

I miss him and I miss the relationship that we used to have…I need him to love me like he use too, I need him to hold me, and laugh with me and talk to me like before. “This was not in the brochure”! This was not my dream for our future! He was not meant to be my nurse… We were going to grow old and enjoy our life together. I never wanted to become a burden to him, I never wanted this, and I could never in a  million years have imagined how things have turned out. It does sound a little desperate, I know and I am sure there are many other people out there that think the same thing about their illness.

To suddenly become disabled in your 50’s, or any age for that matter, Is a big shock to the system.  To lose your Independence your dignity and your mobility makes you feel completely useless. I do the same thing day in a day out, to the point were I forget the days of the week sometimes. I can’t even get out  because we live in the country side with nothing around us and you need a car to go anywhere. I use to drive all over the place but now I can’t even get out of the house on my own let alone get into a car and drive somewhere.

I am literally locked in and staring at these four walls…

 

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